The Bandit Racing program announced today that it has purchased a new Bandit Racing World Headquarters. The building, located on Route 9W in Sparkill, New York, will house a state-of-the-art training facility including a low-speed wind tunnel, 1,000-square-foot weight room, the PowerZone, a spin bike room with boomin’ sound system, and a cigar bar. A professional staff of coaches, doctors and trainers will monitor riders’ health, perform VO2max testing and allocate every calorie consumed by Bandit team member Jeff King because he is chunky.

“I’m just ecstatic about this,” beamed Matt Loftus. “We’ve been, um, relieving ourselves here during rides for years, and it’s really nice that I will be allowed inside now.” Though as a Development Team rider Mr. Loftus won’t actually be allowed into the new facility, full-fledged team members echoed Mr. Loftus’s excitement.

Chris Carmichael has been hired to oversee the cadre of coaches at Bandit HQ from afar. Asked why he chose to affiliate himself with the new Bandit HQ, Mr. Carmichael stated, “This is great publicity for me.” Asked if reuniting with pupil Ryan Tie, who raced for Mr. Carmichael on the U.S. national team and now rides for Bandit, was a factor in his decision, Mr. Carmichael responded, “Who? Look, I’ve got to get going. I promised to deliver an article on core strength to Ladies’ Home Journal by 4 o’clock.”

After considering sites throughout the country and world, Bandit decided on Sparkill, given its proximity to New York City, where most of the riders and staff reside. No one is really sure who he is, but Justin Lubeley indicated that another factor in choosing this site for Bandit HQ was the fact that “The building has been empty and for sale for years so it was really cheap. Seriously, who built a building like this on 9W?”

While the move is sure to spark an arms race amongst other local teams with unlimited budgets, the Bandits are confident their Bandit HQ facility will give them an advantage going into the 2008 season. “We’re dreaming big,” said ADM. “Everyone knows you can’t be a successful cyclist without spending lots of money.” Those with carbon fiber handlebars, power monitors and disc wheels for training take note: the bar has been raised.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 1st, 2007 at 1:33 pm and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.